Since I stepped into primary school, I always dream of being a teacher, I don’t know why, somehow I had that kind of utmost respect for teachers, especially good teachers, teachers who put everything on the line, willing to sacrifice anything just for the job, for the students… Finally, my dream come true, I got the chance to teach, and I am teaching now, four days already, has the dream so unexpectedly turned into nightmare?
I was so so excited when I got the job, especially teaching primary 5 and 6 kids, I always think that they are cute, yeah now I still think so, kids are always so pure, so innocent, just like a white paper.. Unlike us adults, everyone had something behind a smiling face, we can never know what adults are thinking, the reality is that anyone can stab you on the back anytime…
First day I am there, I realize I got to teach the worst standard 5 class in school, I looked at their previous results, I see red inks everywhere, so I was thinking, " oh god, this is gonna be a torrid time for me, even though just for 6 weeks". And their final exam is next week, I don’t even have time to change anything, even Houdini cannot do anything on that… so I was thinking, what can I do on that?
People always argue that whether girls are better or guys are better, well now I know, and honestly I have to say this without any offense or prejudice towards any guys out there, I have to say girls are lots lots more better than guys, even though that means hitting out at myself as I am a guy too… But I am really touched, the girl students in my class, even though they are weak in their studies, they really have the will to learn, I can see that in their eyes, the eyes of a kid never lies… They helped me in whatever I needed, help me to carry books, show great enthusiasm whenever I wanted them to answer questions on the board… One of the girls, the previous teacher told me she often skip class, never bring books, but she did just whatever I told, hand up homework in time, I can’t describe how happy I am to see such improvement.. Another girl, my class monitor, she tried really hard to study even though she got a bad flu, another girl, sitting in front, her homework was amazing, even half are wrong, I can really see the effort, I can imagine how hard she tried to at least show me something.. Every time I just feel like telling them, " I am really really proud of you all" Just few days and I am already treating them as my little sisters..If someone try to bully them I will make sure they end up in hospital.
But the boys, oh god I don’t even know how to describe them… I gave them after school tuition, they end up using toy guns to shoot rubber bullets behind my class, the worst of all is they even shoot some of the girls, making them cry… That’s not all, they end up fighting in my class, banging heads on walls, end up 2 boys crying… At the end I decide I cannot take it anymore, I told the headmaster I am quitting this, just the second day working, but he convinced me to stay, and I finally told myself I cannot give up, I need to be more determined, I am not a loser, I am not a quitter, I don’t want to be a failure…
I do suffer pretty much because of the job, I got few sleepless nights, whenever I sleep I dream of school and woke up… I do struggle on finding appetite to eat, I feel headache, sore throat coz of too much shouting and even weak in heart, I do seriously feel like I am dying, for a moment my mind was empty, just like a dead man walking, just like a walking zombie…Many of you might think I am too stupid and naive to suffer for those kids, but somehow I just feel I should never give up on them…No one ever gave up on me.
Yes I know the school I am teaching are mostly attended by kids of gangsters, gamblers, ah long or whatever, they never grew up from proper education, come from broken family, lack of family love, lots of them are not as lucky as us.. maybe that’s what makes their study weak, maybe that’s what turns them to try to be troublemakers… Sometimes how we born decides our fate, our future, I can see how helpless some of them are, even though they really wanted to be successful, they just don’t have the confidence, they just seem so helpless and vulnerable…
Another thing is I do understand that not everyone has the interest in studying, but I didn’t ask much really, I told them I never expect everyone to listen, everyone to hand up homework, I just wanted them to keep quiet in my class and don’t disturb those that really wished to study… I knew I had the ability to turn D and E to B or C eventually, but not if those boys keep disturbing and keep making my girls cry, damn it…They never had a proper education, never had good basics, so its really hard to improve in a short time, I also understand that, I am not that naive to think that I can change the world..
I do tell them, "hey I don’t really need this job, I don’t need to shout at you all everyday, I can just keep my mouth shut, sleep and play at home everyday, the salary means nothing to me… but I never do that, coz I really care about you, I do see potential in lots of you, if you all really want to study I don’t mind teaching you all for free.." Well after few days apparently I do managed to settle down the class, but I am not god, I knew my limits, but I vow to do my very best…Like what I always say, " If I am really going to die, I am going to die trying".
Phew, again it really is a relief to type all this out, hope everyone reading this will enjoy it and really, teaching isn’t that easy.. But I do feel that I am more patient now, more composed, improved in a lot of things, definitely going to be handy in the future I guess…Somehow I feel I am going to miss all my students when I leave…lol
p.s. special tribute to friends who are willing to listen to me and adviced me on this, thank you so much
