Last Words….
Dear mom, dad, teachers, my friends, relatives and everyone i know:
By the time you read this letter, I already left this world, arriving at a heaven with peace, happiness,a place full of laughter and free of all suffering. I have no regrets leaving this world, and after reading this letter, all of you will know why. I blame no one, and I mean no one for my sudden departure. If there is anything to blame, it would be myself, and most importantly, fate, my time has come.
I still remember after the exam, I saw everyone rushing out of the exam hall with joy, expecting a great holiday ahead. I try to muster a smile on my face, but what came out from my sweaty, pale face was pure sadness, disappointment, and an inner voice saying "you could have done better". I really envy my friends and wish I can be celebrating just like them. Instead of relief, my heart is filled with guilt, thousands of excuses popping in my mind, thinking of what to say when mom and dad asked how I fare in the exam. I can see a target in front of me, the bulls eye painted by mom and dad, straight A’s . I was given an arrow, I had my shot, and whether I have hit the target, it remains unknown.
And walked up the car, looking at your anxious faces, questions firing at me like bullets in a warfield, I could only nod and use all the strength of my body to hold my head up, when my heart already sank deep in the ocean of disappointment. Scoring good results was no longer an achievement, at least not for my parents and teachers, its an obligation and expectation, its a must. Maybe its the price to pay for being best students for all these years, for being borned in a strict family. But mom and dad, I want you to know that I don’t blame any of you, I know its all for my own good, but trust me, I gave everything I had to prepare for the exam, but yet when I enter the exam hall, my mind went blank, I couldn’t think of a word to write on the answer sheet, its like being hit by a lighting, shell-shocked. The burden on my back, the tons of pressures I carried throughout the years, finally crumble on me. I suddenly feel so weak, so vulnerable….
Since I was brought to this world, nothing other than the best will do. Instead of kites and marbles, my life is all about pianos, ballets and tuitions. I was told this world is colourful, but what I can see was black and white. I always have daydream how other kid’s life is, but was brought back to reality by nagging of mom. The days waiting for results collection feel like years. I have trouble eating, sleep full of nightmares, but all these anxiety are invisible to mom and dad as you are too busy planning how to celebrate my success, coaching me on what to talk to reporters when I score straight A’s. Countless times I try to convince you not to expect so much, all in vain. So the much dreaded D day got closer and closer, and my night before the collection day was filled by tears and fears.
As I trembled my way for the result slip, and took all the guts to take a glimpse at it, I knew my worst nightmare just came true. 4B’s and 3C’s, I held the result slip, and began the run of my life, without having a clue where I was heading towards. What flashed in my mind was the scolding of my parents, the embarassment they need to face while comparing results with other parents. I am always the "Golden Child" among all relatives, a subject of praise, how would I be able to explain to them? And my friends, everyone will look down on me now, no one will ever play or talk to me anymore, I won’t have any more friends, I am just a useless piece of sh** now.
I ran and ran, and finally I stopped, only to realize I am now standing at the 4th floor of the school building. With all the miseries awaiting me, my future is a total black tunnel. Looking down hopelessly, with thoughts that there is no more meaning for me continue my stay in this world, suddenly I saw a ray of light down, the heaven I long for calling me. Suddenly all fears disappear, all I will take is a jump and all the pain will be gone. But before I leave, goodbye to everyone and goodbye to this world……PEACE
– A letter found behind the exam slip of a UPSR student who committed suicide–
It hits me hard when I read about the news of a standard six student commit suicide after receiving a result which is so-called not up to expectations. Thats what makes me think, makes me go back to my childhood moments and picture what its like to have to go through all she had to go through, and came up with this letter. I hope this letter will give a wake up call to everyone, our society is sick, academical achievements, material achievements are everything that matters, but let me ask you a question, is it worth to sacrifice such an innocent kid for those?
